Game of Thrones is one of the most stressful series to ever exist on television, and if you are an avid fan of the show like I am, you would know the anxiety that comes whenever a new episode arrives—you’ll never know who’s going to die or who’s betrayed next; in order to make up for all that anxiety, GoT fans try to find humor in the sad fates of their favorite cast. However, there is one sad fate that many people in Westeros, and the real world, share: the inability to find a date.
Over the years, we have seen many relationships grow in GoT, only to have many of them end in heartbreak or tragedy, which is unfortunately, just like the real world. We may not be able to find dates, but maybe the cast of Game of Thrones can help us out a bit: any luck is better than no luck, am I right? These 16 pick-up lines inspired by events, and characters from the show are sure to leave you giggling but a word of caution…
Spoilers may be included.
#16 – This dark but humorous reference to Bran Stark’s fate.
Bran fell HARD from a tower, so if someone says this to you, then know that they’re now ready for some serious commitment; they’re absolutely crippled with emotions. Let’s just hope that this person means they have a crush on you, rather than meaning that they now have a friend, who can only say his name, that will carry him everywhere from now on because that would be awkward for dating, or worse, the bedroom; although, you could be into that sort of thing, I guess…
#15 – A reference to what Joffrey does to people that piss him off.
If someone uses a Joffrey pick-up line on you, then that should probably tip you off on their true intentions; you never know when he’ll suddenly decide to have you beheaded, or use you as a personal target for bow hunting. Don’t be a Sansa Stark, and save yourself before it’s too late. Unless the person you are after is totally cool with you being a narcissistic, douche-weasel, then we suggest choosing a better alternative: any worldwide, genocidal maniac will do the trick, just take your pick.
#14 – Well, if a person has their own personal Hodor, I would love to meet them.
Who wouldn’t want to know Hodor and ride his back like Bran? He’s the nicest character in all of Westeros, which makes him perfect for a pickup line. I personally know tons of girls who would be more than happy to have piggyback rides all the time. This is a pickup line that may actually work, so stay vigilante boys and girls, there may be hope for love in Westeros after all, but then again, Bran’s legs are broken so what you’re really saying is you hope they become physically dependent on you, and have no choice but to be with you. Damn, so close.
#13 – And of course, what would this list be without Cersei and Jaime lines?
Jaime and Cersei Lannister are both very attractive people, but their union is so wrong it makes Caligula blush;then again, they’re probably one of the only characters in Westeros (besides a select ,now dead, few) that knows how to love their paramour properly, even if they shared the same womb once. As conflicted as we are about this Ice-breaker, whoever it works on surely has some issues. I don’t know if it is recommended to date someone who is happy to have a familial resemblance for you, but hey, love conquers all.
#12 – Oh Khaleesi.
I don’t know about you, but if you make my dragon spit fire, I’m going to call the hospital and then probably the police if you didn’t tell me you that would happen beforehand. Sexually transmitted fire-breathing is no joke, and I for one will not let this plague spread to the good people of the world, but if you’re hot enough, and we all know that Daenerys is, I guess I’ll be your Khal Drogo…minus all the dying because of an infection and getting smothered and stuff.
#11 – Valyrian steel can only be smithed by a few people…
So if someone says this gem to you, does it actually mean that you’re capable of handling the sturdiest and sharpest metal in all of Westeros, that can actually fight against the hordes of the undead? That’s quite the accomplishment! In fact, if you could smith Valyrian steel, you would arguably become one of the most important people in all of Westeros! Congratulations on your newfound political, and militaristic might, but don’t let all of that power go to your head, or else you are bound to lose it.
#10 – A Little Joke
For someone who runs a brothel, we never see Mr. Baelish get any action, but that’s probably due to his obsession with the Stark girls. If this pickup line were true, I wonder if that’s how Petyr got the name “peter.” If I had to choose a finger named moniker, I would absolutely choose “Widefinger,” because as we all know, it’s not the size or the length, but the girth. Let’s be honest with ourselves, if this pickup line worked at all, anything would have worked, and you probably didn’t even need to try that hard.
#9 – Winter is coming? Winter is coming.
By now we all know that winter is coming, they tell us every episode! I guess it wouldn’t hurt if something else came, right? Such a grim warning, and yet people found a way to turn it sexual. Like most things in life, men can turn the most disastrous of events and phrases, into the most sexualized statements. I’d “game” on her “thrones,” if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, I’d let her “black” my “castle,” any day. Yeah man, I’d “shoot” her in the chest with my crossbow “bolt.” Woah man, chill out Joffrey.
#8 – Well, Cersei is a perfect woman if you take away her attitude.
You gotta admit: Cersei probably has nice buns under those miles of fabric, but their father isn’t a baker though, just an old rich dude that wants all the power in Westeros, you know, standard stuff in the world of Game of Thrones. If you are looking for a more hospitable approach, I suggest baking your significant other some cinnamon rolls since they cover all the bases: warm, sweet, and coated in frosting; I imagine that’s how you are hoping your night will turn out, although hopefully not with your sister.
#7 – Well then…
I think there’s countless proof of Tyrion’s bedroom prowess all throughout Game of Thrones, I mean hell during his first appearance on the show he’s in a brothel, being kept company by the most beautiful woman of the night in Winterfell, and when it comes to pulling in the ladies, he dwarfs the competition. To get this saucy pickup line to work, you may need to be a dwarf yourself because I doubt you being an imp in other “areas” would get you the results you are looking for. Just remember: if you aren’t limp after four hours, call a doctor.
#6 – A Cold Romance
Based on how Ned, Robb, and Jon fell in love with their respective ladies, you just know that Northern men are the real romantics. It takes a true man, forged in the icy waters of the north, and the bitter cold of the snow, to truly understand the warmth of a person’s love. Winter might already be here, but with a man of the north, it will be coming, too. If you ever need Northern man relationship advice, I would ask Ned; he seems like the kind of guy who would lose his head over a woman.
#5 – Infantile Love
Well, this is one funny way of asking someone to multiply with you. Here’s to hoping that they’re not actually white walkers, because I doubt you fancy a creature that looks like your great uncle from Wisconsin. If this pick up line works, you don’t want to have children with them! It’s a trap! Never stick your sword in a crazy person’s sheathe because it can only end in heartache, pain, and a trip to the psychiatrist, and if they ever invite you back to a cave, you say no!
#4 – Oh, Tyrion, you naughty boy!
Barely escaping with your life several times? Being born into a wealthy family that can protect you from a cruel and unforgiving world? If these cases of luck apply to you, I think you can probably score a date with anyone that you want; if they don’t, however, you’re probably gonna be stuck with the rest of us, hoping that someone will rub your head, and then realizing it’s just you and your right hand. Well, I guess it’s as they say: it’s better to be lucky than good. Wax on, wax off.
#3 – You know you can’t make dragons without intense heat.
The dating scene when you have children is a wildly different beast because those who find you physically attractive, now have to look past that at less shallow things, such as your ability to braid hair or cook a mean grilled cheese. It takes a lot of work for potential dates to think of you as kingly with little demon-spawns running around. Unfortunately, being the king of your castle with children only means that sometimes you will get to go to the bathroom alone. You definitely don’t want a golden crown with children–you wouldn’t like what it was made of.
#2 – Pull a Daenerys Targaryen and set everything FREE~
Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen has a penchant for setting everyone free, and that’s the reason why her husband, Khal Drogo, met his unfortunate end in the first place. Be careful of what you might set free, well, unless you’re just freeing them from their clothes, then all you need to worry about is what you might see. I hate to break it to you, but Greyscale is not attractive nor is it a curable disease, unless of course, I set you on fire, and you know that I’m hot enough to do it, baby.
#1 – And of course the most romantic line of all…
The lights are dim in the vacant restaurant. Your eyes shimmer as the reflection of the moon on the waves of the vast open ocean. The sommelier pours us each a glass of the finest house wine: blood red, like your lips after you’ve stolen my aching heart from my chest. I lean in, brushing your silken hair from your beaming face. Your eyes kindle alive in an echo to the spark in the air, as my hand caresses your ear. My lips purse before whispering softly, longingly: Hodor.